So I’ve come to the realization that a phrase told to me over and over, I had allowed myself to adopt what I thought made sense:
“Is that really the hill you want to die on?”
I don’t know if that’s a hill I really want to die on.
Fast forward to today, it hits me. What does choosing what hill to die on really mean?
What I thought it meant and how I interpreted it was to accept my basic reflexology
of thought this really something that you would want to impact yourself, your reputation or challenge something that possible outcomes does not outweigh the loss of favoritism or being liked by coworkers,
family, friends or anyone you see recurringly that you have something you would like to address that is
not sitting right with you.
The Grammarist simplifies it by saying, “The idiom, the hill you want to die on, can be used in two ways. It is either used to help explain how important something is that you would die for it or used as a question to help warn somebody to think more deeply about whether their strong opinion or feelings are worth it.”
Similar to the phrase choose your battles wisely.
Now I’m thinking wait – what you’re truly saying is if you take the words for what they are, you’re
saying the hill (which is the issue) is not something that you want to die for- I’m taking ‘die’ as
society’s way of saying not be liked.
That by dying on a hill, aka addressing it, you would rather not be liked then choose to talk about this issue you have with someone else regarding whatever it may be – a plan, goal, conversation, change, decision, behavior -whatever it may be it – is that really worth pursing further information about?
I really am struggling with how I’ve allowed myself to make regular decisions that avoid putting me or
somebody else in a wee bit of a possible discomfort zone because I’d like to have an honest
conversation about something that we perhaps disagree on. Or not even a disagreement persay, I just don’t have enough pieces of info to understand it so I’d like to inquire more.
It’s not a hill, it’s rather a ‘Can you help me understand?”
As I’ve personally chiseled away at my resolution intuitions and focused instead on the first question of hill dying instead, I realized that you keep letting things go so you keep getting more and more Hills.
Sometimes you don’t know what hill caused the other hill or where all these dangum hills came
from.
It can become like ole Appalachia up in there.
You’re getting lots and lots of hills you chose not to die simply means you didn’t get you’re off
feelings about something resolved.
By resolved I want to add that doesn’t mean getting your way – like, ‘Oh hey, you didn’t get your
way on that one…”
I mean you weren’t able to resolve what the conflicting feeling was inside of you that made you
not accept or understand something that became what a hill is. A hill is something that’s
protruding out that you have to address because you can see it, it’s right there in the room and
yet you let it go by staying silent.
Yeah, probably not great advice I took to heart and adopted over the years.
I started breaking down what would it be that would be so darn uncomfortable anyway. Why can’t it be
comfortable if you say “Oh hey, I am not sure I quite understand…can you tell me more?”
I liked that I was comfortable talking about things and I’d like to get back to that comfort level.
To right my path, I’ve allowed myself to create another mental routine that filters the information
through my brain as I receive it to try and get my voice back.
When I feel a hill coming on, the new filter I practice is called “Be curious not Furious.”
I adopted that mantra because sometimes when you hear something right away that you don’t
like you instantly become Furious because it hits a cord that hits a nerve that hits a value which
hits something that you don’t like in your immediate reflex response to hearing it.
It’s that time when I recognize that feeling, breathe intentionally and begin the process.
I think you start to understand through this reflective time. Prepare a response as you ask
yourself internal questions you need answered in order to accept what it is that you’ve just heard
or word yourself with clear questions to the other person that can help close the cap of
uncertainty with accepting this hill you know see.
For me that’s what it is now. It’s not that you’re wanting to have some type of issue you just want
to have a resolution so that you both understand because if you can’t understand how a
decision was made or a thought was made you talk to that person about it in a place of good
intention and trust to know that you understand.
You just want to make sure you understand and that all the information, thoughts, questions
have been vetted to make sure that there were other ideas or thoughts we could consider to
make it more efficient, better or make it something else that can have Unison so there is no Hill
at all.
It’s more of a hill digger approach. A digger outer.
Further thought of this common hill response is I know it’s not always my way. I don’t need to
always get my way. I just need to understand the way.
I want to understand why things have to be the way that they are and that’s not necessarily
wanting to die on a hill or lose my reputation or make someone angry.
It’s also not fair to that other person you gave the hill to.
If that Hill is never resolved you’re really just carrying a resentment because you never got to
the truth. The bottom of that hill.
You never got to the layer, the understanding, of what made the decision happen in the first
place. Why it was going that way.
You keep carrying on and that’s losing a relationship with them too because now you have some
type of bitterness weeds growing on that hill which can spread over time. A lack of trust or a lack
of confidence.
So yeah, I guess as I am officially writing and thinking about it – I have to quit using that the hill
to die on. A slang habit must end.
I must reject that statement and stay with “Be Curious, not Furious.”
I want to make certain that we process everything that we have misunderstandings at – both
sides of that hill. Be just as approachable as possible.
Then have comfortable conversations. They’re just conversations to resolve something afterall.
In a time of so much communication and areas of it, conflicts cannot be avoided with
interpretations. Yet they can be understood, defined, tweaked or repositioned so you can all find
a silver lining together because you talked it through and found the best outcome possible.
Imagine a place where no one is getting defensive or taking things personally just because you
want to help each other. Help each other mutually understand what’s wrong with how you
interpreted what information you have. I’ll try. I hope I can help others’ try too.
Why not? I think there’s got to be a better way.
And that is absolutely the hill I’m willing to die on.
Thanks for reading,
Heather
