ABC’s The Bachelor Needs a Makeover

By June 13, 2019 June 17th, 2019 Food for thought

An Open Letter to the Bachelor

Can you imagine the scenario: a perfect gentleman has a serious girlfriend whose parents aren’t frequently able to visit?

Cue in ABC’s The Bachelor, specifically the third to the last episode – also known as – the top 4 finalists’ home visits.

So here’s my vision of a new, revamped Bachelor season. Yes, a swooning, record-breaking season where you actually expand your demographic to a larger base of new psychographics. Here goes the plan:

I don’t know about you, but at this stage in the show, I would think that if I was in love-love, I’d know by now. You’re meeting the parents! You would have to at least know if it’s serious, last a lifetime love or at least think ‘you’re my favorite of the four so let’s continue on and date some more’ love. If this were real life, and you wanted the Bachelor to redeem it’s qualities to a more respectable level, things have to change.

The bachelor currently goes to all four women’s hometowns to meet the families. Drama always ensues as the bachelor tells each of the four women’s parents that they think they might love their daughter and aren’t sure yet which one they’re gonna pick – but if it’s their daughter he wants permission to propose now. W. T. H.?!

SO many of the parents have push back, but majority cave and say yes because they trust their daughter’s decisions. Awww. That’s Cute.. not.

What if it were like this:

By the home visit, ole Bachelor knew which one he wanted to pick for the best love-love potential. Instead of asking for four possible blessings to marriage, it should be the big reveal. This is where we find out who he love-loves.

For suspense sake, they can keep the camera on the bachelor’s face only. As the crew records, he gives his authentic speech to the parents. (whom you can’t see yet to figure out which one he picked.)

The speech

“Mr. Blank, I don’t expect you to give me permission to marry your daughter. You don’t know me and I haven’t known your daughter very long. Frankly sir, with all the dating this show requires, I can’t promise that we will get to the point of proposal. But with what we’ve experienced so far, I hope it does. That is my intention and why I’m talking to you about it.

So here’s the proposal I hope you’ll give me permission for. I would like to ask you to take this ring and store it for me. Keep it safe and don’t let her know you have it or that it exists. In the meantime, I am going to continue to get to know your daughter and family better to reinforce how much love I already feel for her. When the cameras go away and you get to know me, you can return the ring to me. Then I’ll know I have your blessing to propose. And I’ll plan something grand.

Until then, I’ll wait for as long as it takes, sir.”

Insert prince charming emoji right there. And guess what? How much more lucrative will everyone be when the women swoon and the real men out there give him a thumbs up?

It’s a lot easier than all the douche canoe smack talk around the water cooler now because he slept with at least three of them and is a douche canoe of drama….just like every other season now.

Ok, the fans of the show and producers are reading this and saying, “Hey, Heather… if we do that, what the heck do we do with the three overnights episode and the final rose ceremony?”

Stay with me, grasshopper.

The sleep overs go away. They shouldn’t happen anyway. That’s just simply disrespectful and diminishing to everyone involved. (IF they truly are having sex or it’s all staged for TV – who knows – either way- perception is reality so quit teaching people that it’s desirable to be chosen as a top three bed buddy.)

If that were my daughter….. sweet mother. No. Just. No. And for those parents who support this episode and are all about trusting their daughters, fine. But tell her she better not go second or third. Disgusting.

Instead, replace that episode with the other three women who weren’t ‘the favorite one’ and let them reflect on their feelings for not being chosen, what they thought of the experience, whether they would consider being on the bachelorette, etc. that then kicks off the viewer’s vote on which one should be the next Bachelorette. Cause if you make the top four, you’re going to be a great, strong and mature woman. No cray cray. It will make your season finale even more exciting because you can reveal who it will be on that episode.

Also, the next to last episode can now focus on his top pick and him going on dates. Getting to know one another. Letting us get to know them. Help us root for them. Show them doing staged dates like volunteering, building a Habitat home, sick kids, idk. Let them pick two gratitude dates, two romantic dream dates, and two dates in their home towns with parents together meeting each other.

What an episode! Right?

The final episode lets you find out if he either earns the ring back, or the mom/dad says they’re not ready. But I am guessing he earns it because they’ve had 6 weeks of filming all this. It is still hyperfast dating simulations, but at least they are good ones and behind the real reality scenes that what we’ve never seen before on the show until now. OR, they realized during the dating period that it was early infatuation but they want to keep dating Because they aren’t ready to get married yet still having fun together. This allows for plot twists to break out seasons of memorable moments. And you reveal the Bachelorette.

See, I’m as easy going, not a prude. I know there’s the grey in everything, and a belief in all love for everyone. But c’mon. I don’t care if it’s the Bachelorette or the Bachelor. Kissing – IF it makes sense – only. If you’re going to third base in skimpy ass bathing suits together, then you crossed the monogamous panty lines with me. That should be obvious but it’s not.

In a world like we have today, I find it rather hypocritical that celebrities I don’t feel like naming right now support and leverage this show as it sits right now. If I had to write the paragraph of the show description on Netflix, it would read like this:

30 beautiful women vie for the heart of one bachelor as they live together in one house filled with drama and tension. Competition ranges from jousting, karate, weight lifting and much more to win a rose and make the cut for another week of escapades. It’s a fight to the finish as they interrupt one another for one on ones and a chance to bump and grind on cleverly staged love seats throughout the property and camera station.  Finding true love is hard.

Yet, it could be:

30 beautiful women vie for the heart of one bachelor as they live together in a house full of talks, wine and a six week long slumber party. Is she Mrs. Right? It’ll take a lot of dates, celebrity couple encounters, previous contestant advice and out of this world locations to find out. Finding true love is hard, but this makes it much easier.

You know what makes a toxic world? When a Woman sabotages another woman for a man. There. I said it. Imagine a world where that didn’t happen. Ever. There’s a lot of women who wouldn’t and I am proud to know I am one of them. But insecurities and mind games breed a lot of poison. Just like Maury guests resonate, but I like that display even better and I’ll write another article to explain why at another time.

This one isn’t. If you have to win love, then it isn’t worth it. If you get your man because you did something better than that other hoe, you in trouble, fo sho.

Maybe I’m jaded because I have experienced true love. This is our 17th anniversary and I knew it the first time I saw him. This is it. However, I don’t think it’s an anomaly because over the years I have met many couples that are forever and have fun stories of how they met, too. I think It’s real. It happens. More often than you’d think.

It doesn’t matter what kind of couples, just couples who are loved and give love. That’s a real thing and I think most contestants haven’t really had that because if they did they wouldn’t be fighting for superficial winning, which has to be either script or true because of how unauthentic the antics seem and feel.

You can’t be the favorite because you won the game. It’s because you won the chemistry and didn’t bulldoze anyone to get there.

ABC, you might be afraid to try decent, empowering, respectful processes because you think it could hurt your show. But I disagree. It will help it beyond what you could imagine. I see two to three more GRPs easy.

You should know – the Voice shut down the declining behemoth of American Idol for a reason. Idol was structured on the auditions with the talent being rare and the humorous attempts by amateurs being the majority.

It was sad, actually. Viewers were laughing at the tears of someone who clearly had the worst voice you ever heard and didn’t receive the gold ticket to Hollywood. They were the ratings grabber, it felt bad. It was a case of a bandwagon belittling approach where groups gather and accept the wrong teasing of others. Glad no pitchforks were involved.

Then NBC welcomes the Voice. And the guy that’s married to Roma Downey from Touched By An Angel makes appropriate, righter TV. The Voice privately screens auditions and gets people who’ve got a legitimate shot at having a great voice. The famous musicians in the chairs give constructive criticism to the ones who don’t make it and personally coach the ones who do. No belittling, ever. In fact, they have more fun picking at each other and making the celebrity in them more human.

Sometimes, I think the singing hopeful might have gotten a chair turned around had they picked the right song. There’s truth in that. Ask Fergie about choosing to sing the American Anthem. She’s a great performer of songs but that one isn’t for everyone. She got belittled for it. I didn’t join in, Ferg. It wasn’t you, it was the choice you made in song.

Anyway, the point is. ABC revamped a better version of what American Idol wasn’t and it kicked the last nail in the show coffin.

Now, a few years later, ABC revamped it from Fox. If you’ve noticed, you couldn’t they couldn’t have picked two nicer guys than Lionel and Luke. Katy is kind, I just don’t get her. The outrageousness detracts their core base of audience. Call her brave for costume choices, sure, but her behavior can’t be helping her BF Orlando find work these days. I’m not belittling, I think she has fun and plays along to the suggestions. She can still do the outfits – Justin be a little more chill cool.

I didn’t buy her mascara for that reason. I funded Drew Barrymore’s Flower. Instead

ABC softened American Idol and staggered it away from the Voice seasons. It has worked strong enough to be renewed and I gotta say, you rock Maddie Poppe.

So c’mon ABC. Soften the Bachelor. Reinvent the reality of what a functional relationship foundation should be built on before Roma Downey reads this and figures out a much better dating show for NBC and I can be a creative director for it.

I’m curious to know what Bachelorette Hannah’s ratings are right now. And who gets the third night in her bed.

Good Times.

Thanks for reading.


My BFF’s brother, Jason, should be on this show if it gets real. He’s a firefighter in SC who deserves to find that loving feeling. Here’s his pic. Tell ABC. He wouldn’t need to memorize that speech at the beginning of this story.

His niece currently does planks every time someone cries on the show over silly drama. You should see her abs!

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