This is probably my saddest and most negative story ever and I didn’t intend for it to be. It’s like whats inside me now and it’s so heavy it’s effecting everyone around me so I have to get it out.
This could very well be my last personal writing piece for some time. Maybe all time.
I know deep down in my heart that’s not true but then again if I can continue forcing myself into this new mindset perhaps it is.
I’m going to stop. Forceably stop myself from creating any ideas outside of normal life.
I know, I know, many of you are relieved. Finally! She’s going to shut. Up.
No more random interruptions of some hair brained idea I had and wanted to tell you about.
No more elaborate verbal business plan about this new thing I made up that is going to flip an industry on it’s head.
No more silliness.
No more cosmic talk of tom foolery.
I am also going to save a SHIT TON of money.
No more paying for shopify accounts or business suites. Eff you GoDaddy.
No more inventory of merch for the latest thing I wanted to print something on.
No more dressers will need purchased at Goodwill to face me, the painter who’s gonna tear it up and make it art to hold all my supplies of all the art I’m going to make when I am free to make it.
No more jokes about Heather the hoarder who has so many crafts and ideas that pile up.
No more Sasquatch paintings. I put them in storage. Silliness.
A couple years ago I remember watching that Ms Maizel show on prime and saw the parts where she didn’t know how to be normal anymore. It scared me.
Now it challenges me.
I’m not her. I’m not nobody.
I’m the most uninfluential person there is and I need to stop pretending that somehow, someday I was really going to do anything of significance beyond what is already significant enough.
And that’s good.
I have the most A game of amazingness behind me, beside me and in front of me. Just as is.
If I had a dollar for everytime I invested in the next thing I was gonna do, whether it be time, ideations or cash – I wouldn’t even have to go to work tomorrow.
I used to tell myself that my experiences and successes validated me.
I know, deep down in my heart, that all my stories of overcoming things, learning things, predicting things – you know, connecting all the dots to solve very intricate problems was why I went from being a sophomore dropout with a baby to a upper middle class salaried person with responsibility over others’ success a big deal.
Sure I’m not on any magazine covers or nothing but I’ve made a few and quote quoted in some. So not all in all a failure like the statistic my principal warned me about at the time.
“You’ll be nothing but white trash!” I believe were his words. Or somewhat similar.
Maybe it was the cop who hauled me home one night cause at 6 months pregnant and without a license, I fought my way out of a car and needed a ride home from the Kwik Star. He happened to stop in for some coffee and we didn’t have taxis or Ubers in rural farm country.
I was resourceful, what can I say.
His words, which I do recall, were, “Shame to see such a waste of a good looking woman.”
Yet, what do I know.
I’m tired of having my head in the clouds.
I’m tired of people kindly giving me a smile while they dismiss me as a flighty cause with no track record of trust.
I’ tired of writing or saying something and gaining those responses only to find out a year later it’s now an adopted idea of more. Glad they thought of it.
So yeah. I think it’s time for me to just be grateful and be glad in it.
So what if I feel disrespected, disregarded or dismissed and replaced. I wasn’t ever really accepted anyway.
And now that success is here, it’s time for those who do need that recognitition to receive it.
And I’m ok with that.
I don’t ever want to do something because it leads to recognition.
I like to do things that are because it influences other people to do something. Whatever that something may be, it’s the thing that makes them be grateful and glad in it.
So the fact that I’m surrounded by pieces, parts, notes, scribbles, silly paintings and domains I’ll probably never use while feeling so absolutely alone in my visions means that – I cannot influence anyone anymore.
I cannot convince anyone around me that I am serious. And why should they? I’m all talk and half action. My cuppeth runneth over and I have too many glasses to fill and all it does it take away from the main goal.
Make money and go home.
All these ideas and dreams do nothing but disappoint me because it amuses others at best as in interruption into the grand scheme of go to work and come home.
So I’ll do that.
Maybe I’ll find purpose there.
Having a rough round of Wuhan Flu over the holidays left me alone in my weirdness of out of body feeling long enough to realize that after seeing truths – from Rotten’s bottled water episode to current REAL events like this Ghislaine Maxwell secret coverup trial shows how blatantly evil and corrupt the American government is on an entire global scale.
Every corrupt country – and it’s all of them now – has ties and secrets with all the elite. Our globe is nothing but a chess board for the 1 percent and since I am a part of the 99% like the rest – yes, my dear that bald Smashing Pumpkin guy had it right.
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in the cage.
So I guess this is it.
This is Heather, grounded.
Until I can figure out how to get anyone to see me or see that my intentions are so deeply pure into unifying humanity and I actually thought that, silly me, I was being called in some bizarre way to teach the masses who are empty – empty from Faith, empty from Family or empty from feeling freedom – hope.
I thought maybe my wildass ideas could lead to revenue that would unite my family. Unite the people, and fill us with confidence, education, truth and ultimately fuel to fight off this evil spread of festering pusses of cancer that our government has fueled for decades upon decades with us as their test subjects.
I just always believed in my deepest depths that everything overcome is worth learning from to grow off of. It’s all for something. Otherwise it’s too big and will swallow you whole. If you let it. That’s silliness. or Madness. or both. I want it to be worth it. And it truly already is. Why do all this extra shit? To be merely amusing to everyone around you?
Back to work.
Thanks for reading and supporting me before.