Sometimes my brain is so overloaded with thoughts, lists, “I should haves” and fabulous intentions that I find myself frozen. Staring blankly as if in a frazzled state. Getting nothing accomplished but self-loathing and procrastination. It’s been much worse lately. It’s embarrassing and SO out of character for me.
This picture of Teresa helps visualize what I catch myself doing lately:
Blank Stare
Is it too much to do? Not really. I’ve had longer lists than these before.
Is it depression? I don’t think so. I feel pretty good about a lot of things.
Is it daunting tasks? Things I don’t like to do? No, for the most part I like what I am doing.
So why are there insecurities, self-doubt shrouding over me and yet I possess an overwhelming confidence that I can accomplish so many great things – I just can’t seem to make my body sync with what my brain is telling it to do. Frozen. I’m all talk. ARGH.
Lately I only get done what others expect me to work on. No personal projects. My mind is this huge funnel of hundreds of ideas and it’s trying to squeeze out into my clogged hands. It’s so peculiar and foreign for me to feel this way and I am so over it.
Be Nike. Just Do it.
Since I can’t figure out the problem – which is another stresser for me, Mrs. Fix It, I’ve decided to force myself into kindness acts to hopefully break through my clogs. I’d like to think I am always thinking of others first in all the little ways you don’t even think about like letting this car go first or holding the door a little longer for another, you know, the basics.
And I am a typical volunteer, from Cub Scouts to Sunday School to my son’s weekly math class.
But I haven’t done the short term bursts of need in my community, so here I go.
When in doubt – give more, not less
So in the past two weeks I’ve spent a day carrying and loading produce to the needy in a church parking lot, did the United Way Community Care Day and donated blood again. Not for bragging rights I assure you. Just to show myself that I really am trying to pull my head out of my butt and get back to clarity and quit sitting here staring at a screen.
I figured at least this way, if it doesn’t work, I helped people. And it felt very good to do so. Volunteering is like it’s own endorphin release.
And I actually get to leave my basement and meet people. (Sarcasm).
I guess the moral of the story is: “If you can’t find yourself, just find other people to help and you’ll figure it out”
